Unleashing Mr. Darcy

Clara: [Looking at list of available Hallmark movies on the library website] Ok so this one appears to be like Pride and Prejudice...but with dogs.

Olivia: ....with dogs? Like with dogs as the characters?

#WishboneDidItFirst

Clara: Haha no. Like Elizabeth and Darcy both love dogs and they meet at a dog show.

Olivia: Ohhhhhh...Not sure if that is better or worse.

Yes, in the grand tradition of Pride and Prejudice with Mormons and Pride and Prejudice with zombies, it's Pride and Prejudice with dogs! Mr. Darcy is a dog show judge, and Elizabeth is someone who shows dogs at dog shows!

Ok, so dogs aside, this had the seeds of a not terrible idea. I actually like the Mormon Pride and Prejudice so I have no problem with a contemporary, silly version of P&P.  One clever piece of the premise is that Elizabeth's mother owns a bridal salon which then made it totally reasonable that she was intensely interested in her daughters' marital prospects. It also explained how Jane and Elizabeth were able to get fancy (but kind of bridesmaidy) gowns on short notice for an event at the end.

Elizabeth is played by Cindy Busby who we know as mean but sometimes good but still pretty mean lawyer Rebecca Jennings on Cedar Cove (there will definitely be a Cedar Cove post at some point). She also had a brief arc on When Calls the Heart as a woman who was really angry at a guy in town because he "killed" her sister (he was a doctor and she died during a risky surgery). So as Elizabeth Bennet she is...really mean and angry. It is a weird energy to bring to the story, because it makes Darcy sympathetic from the beginning. He is abrupt and cold to her AS A JUDGE at ONE dog show and she is vicious to him at every opportunity from then on.

HOW DARE YOU BE FORMAL DURING JUDGING

Look, this is the era of Trump and #TimesUp so I want to applaud women for refusing to take sh*t from men. But her dislike of Darcy seems totally out of proportion.  There is no Wickham subplot in this movie, so there isn't anything terrible she thinks he has done. He is a little stiff and formal, but he almost immediately tries to be friendly, welcoming, and encouraging to Elizabeth. But for 90% of the movie she is just like WE ARE SWORN ENEMIES HE HATES ME AND I HATE HIM EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE I WILL BURN IT ALL DOWN.

This is her "secretly in love" face

This movie had some charming moments and parts where they literally just hang out with some adorable puppies, but the whole effect is wrecked by Elizabeth being dialed up to 11 the whole time and you just want to shake her and be like CHILL OUT.

I REFUSE TO BE CHILL

Also, the movie's portrayal of regional dog shows was pretty ridiculous. For one, while all the other handlers stood with their dogs in the ring during the whole judging process, Elizabeth would be sitting in the audience and only enter the ring when her name was called and then go sit down again (so she could have drama with the Lady Catherine character or just complain about Darcy to her friends). Second, when it becomes clear that something is going on between these two, a question arises about Darcy being impartial as a judge. Both are adamant that nothing is going on and there is no conflict of interest. But then in the final scene they literally make out in the middle of the ring during a competition and instead of being like WTF the other contestants applaud.

Cheese rating: One out of five wedges of cheese. Puppy time aside, not very cheesy.

Wine rating: Two glasses of wine. Some residual spice from being based on a Jane Austen classic (or "Austin" as spelled on the back of the DVD) but nothing earthshaking.

Hot men: Unquestionably the actor playing Darcy has very nice face parts but Elizabeth comes on so strong that he ends up being kind of unmemorable.

Bridal Wave

So one of the most annoying parts of a gentle watch, and it's in almost every Hallmark movie yet it makes me angry every time, is that, at the very end, the two leads get engaged or married. They have often met at the beginning of the movie - a movie that spans two-four weeks of time (see Clara's A December Bride post). Maybe this is connected to my conflicted feelings about the institution of marriage or something like that, but really, why does the movie have to end in an engagement or wedding? There's always a big kiss and an exchange of affection, and that just seems like it should be enough. Why is it that audiences need a wedding? Let these people live!

But you know what friends, here is a movie that doesn't end with a ridiculously fast proposal and marriage after meeting four days earlier. The final scene makes you think it will, and seeing a bride and groom is meant to confuse, but then, low and behold, "One Year Later" pops up on the screen. Like sensible people, they waited a whole year! Shocking!

Clara and I found this movie while combing the shelves at the Northeast Branch Public Library and you know what, it's actually kind of a good movie. Definitely at the top of the Hallmark rankings. First of all, it takes place somewhere on the San Juan Islands, but there is an establishing shot of Seattle as the home of our leads. But it's not the normal establishing shot - skyline, Space Needle, red cranes - no, it's of the corner of 4th and Olive, or, the old Seattle Times building. Not a particularly strong establishing shot; not even a very Northwesty shot to set the scene. Clara's eagle eye spotted it and we had to rewind and confirm, but there it was, the building that now holds the Mariners store and the Mayflower Hotel.

This shot, except way closer so it was even harder to recognize

I love this, and the Pacific Northwest seems to be a hotspot for Hallmark romances, but seriously Hallmark? THIS is the establishing shot of your movie? Nobody knows this building. We've both lived here most of our lives and had to rewind and debate if it was Seattle or not.

Falling love while looking at the Pacific is ideal

But, back to the actual movie. Quick summary: our leading lady, Georgie, is engaged to a wealthy plastic surgeon (who she works for), and, while on her way to an unnamed San Juan Island for the wedding, she meets Luke in the ferry line. They banter, sparks fly, but then they part ways. Of course, they meet again at the resort where he lives next door in a beautiful house right on the water. He built the house himself after leaving behind the high power, high stress world of being a handsome architect.

Georgie and Luke get thrown together on multiple occasions and clearly they have chemistry, more chemistry than her doctor fiance. Also, this fiance's mother is terrifying and played by Jaclyn Smith, so, win-win.

Except you know, thirty years older. But still fabulous

What I liked about Bridal Wave is that it's actually kind of believable. It's refreshing that there's no big blowup, no madcap miscommunication, no one is left at the alter feeling spurned. There's an almost kiss and an appropriate reaction when Georgie realizes what she's doing. And then she and her fiance have an adult conversation about how neither of them are actually happy and they shouldn't get married. They've been dating because it's comfortable and it all paints a very pretty picture.

My face when adults act like adults in romantic comedies

There are, of course, some fake outs, and love is declared after only a few days, but, after they get a big kiss, Georgie and Luke DON'T IMMEDIATELY get married! The movie cuts to a year later, where they are getting married, but still, A WHOLE YEAR! Semi-realistic!

There's also a B-story line about how big hotel chains are ruining small towns and beautiful views, but the growing coastal development and destruction of the environment are not what gentle watches are all about.

Alright, ratings.

Cheese Rating: Actually pretty low. This has the typical cheese of a romantic comedy, but what was enjoyable about it was that it wasn't super cheesy.

Wine Rating: This gets a lot of wine glasses. Good chemistry between the leads, pretty locations, and was one of our first gentle watches. It made us want to watch other movies like this, and it's quite possible that no gentle watch (movies, not TV) has lived up to this one.

Hot Men: Handsome, slightly generic, but also kind of Northwesty, which is nice and fitting for the location. I can't find any pictures of any serious plaid, but, still not to shabby.

A December Bride

The last of our Christmas movies finally came in from the library. A December Bride, starring Daniel Lissing from When Calls the Heart.

The mountie uniform is better, but this will do

Like most of these movies it had some pretty dumb parts but still managed to be passably charming.  But also like a lot of these movies, the most annoying thing is that the dumb parts could so easily have been fixed.

So first the basic premise: Layla has to attend a December wedding between her ex-fiancee and her cousin. She goes to the wedding with her friend Seth (Lissing), who she is mad at because he introduced the couple. For plot reasons, they end up lying to everyone and saying they are engaged. While pretending to be engaged they fall in love.

One thing that I've learned about myself watching all these cheesy romance movies is that I'm a sucker for a fake couple who ends up falling in love, so in general I'm totally down. But the really ridiculous part is how short the timeline is.  It is fine for a couple to develop a connection in a couple weeks but THEY DON'T NEED TO GET ENGAGED AND/OR MARRIED DURING THAT TIME.

We find out early in the movie that one of the additional reasons Layla is so sad at her ex-fiancee's wedding, is that it is in December, and she had always dreamed of being...wait for it...A December Bride.

So when she and Seth are faking their engagement, everyone is extra excited because now she might end up as A December Bride. Cool cool cool. That could happen. They could get married a year or even two years from when the movie takes place.

But part of the way through the movie it becomes clear that everyone wants them to get married THIS DECEMBER. Like, THE SAME MONTH THAT THIS MOVIE TAKES PLACE. Everyone seems unaware that DECEMBER WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.

To pressure the main character into this idea, her aunt has her try on her late mother's wedding dress. Which is clearly just a regular, modern, strapless wedding dress.

LIES. FASHION HISTORY LIES.

ANYWAY when Seth and Layla finally do realize they are in love with each other they immediately get engaged and then IT CUTS TO THEIR WEDDING which by all indications is the SAME MONTH THE MOVIE STARTED.

Ok rating time.

Cheese rating: Three out of five wedges of cheese. Basically regular Hallmark fare.

Wine rating: Two and a half out of five glasses of wine. Had some basic charm, and extra points for the guy being the one one who learns a lesson about needing to work less and "get his priorities straight" whereas the woman is celebrated for career success. 

Hot men: Aforementioned charm machine Daniel Lissing would have chemistry with a candy cane. He is excellent at the required rom-com "I'm having such a great time with you because I'm so in love with you smile"

Quality stuff, although doesn't hold a candle to the "I'm in love with you and I'm really tortured about it" grimace required for any good period movie.

When Calls the Heart

We are going to start with When Calls the Heart because it was basically our gateway drug into this world of gentle watches.

We were drawn to it initially because:

1. Period piece
2. Plucky heroine
3. Hot Mountie - featured prominently in the Netflix promo screen
4. Low-stakes conflict that will be solved by the end of the hour
5. Easy to watch while also having a full conversation

A quick overview of the premise: Elizabeth Thatcher is a young socialite who leaves the big city to teach in the tiny frontier town of Coal Valley. Roughly six months before Elizabeth arrives, there was a terrible accident at the mine and 46 men from the town died, including Lori Loughlin's husband and son. It is a pretty dark beginning, and season one does deal (albeit superficially) with grief and PTSD and how a community moves forward after a tragedy. But as the show goes on, this disaster seems to be basically forgotten and everything is much more cheerful.  Mostly, it's a romantic story about finding yourself, learning heartfelt lessons and falling in love with ruggedly handsome men (Mounties, pastors, logging company owners, to name just a few).

Also inherent to the enjoyability of a gentle watch is how ridiculous or implausible some aspect of the story is. Fortunately ridiculousness abounds.

1. In season one, each episode focused on a different child going through the grief of losing their father in the mining accident. After that child was fixed, and learned to move on or love their mother or laugh again, we literally never see that child again.

2. In season one the town was drab, people wore brown, and miners actually came home with faces full of soot. By season two, the town is repainted in Disneyland colors, everyone suddenly has crisp new clothing, and looks clean and well rested. Nobody looks like they work in a mine anymore.

3. As part of the season two refresh, the costumes become atrociously hilarious. Check out Clara's old blog post about it here: http://thingsivacuumed.blogspot.com/2015/08/costume-meltdown.html

4. After some initial struggles, Elizabeth wins the children over with cheer and sincerity. After that they all sit quietly and hang on her every word. Take it from a teacher, that's literally never happened in a classroom in the history of the world.

5. Elizabeth is also basically teaching a freeform montessori education program. This is a frontier town when most kids would only be getting the "reading, writing, arithmetic" basics, yet Elizabeth is assigning environmental biology, essays about feelings, and endless art projects. All of the boys in this class would be going to work at the mine by the time they're 14, their parents would see learning the life cycle of a beetle to be a complete waste of time (which, let's be honest, that still sounds like a waste of time).

More spelling, less vision board making

6. Jack and Elizabeth have been "courting" for more than three seasons  - she would be straight-up considered a witch and a whore for the amount of time they spend alone together. In season four, it seems that Jack has dinner at Elizabeth's house every night, just the two of them. While obviously, in our modern times, this is fine and let's not slut-shame anyone here, but in 1910? It would be SO scandalous that the local school teacher and the town Mountie were basically living together unmarried. 

INAPPROPRIATE PUBLIC BEHAVIOR!!!

7. BROOKE SHIELDS?!?!

But enough about all that. Let's get to the good stuff. What is our rating and how hot are the men?

The Cheese Rating: It is definitely five out of five wedges of cheese.

[A real conversation that happened]

Olivia: This is so stupid.

Clara: ...are you...crying?

Olivia: ...no... *sniffs*

The Wine Rating: After much debate, When Calls the Heart get four out of five wine glasses. Despite our protestations, and the above list of ridiculousness, we're actually pretty emotionally invested in this show. We ship Elizabeth and Jack pretty hard and we have have very strong opinions about which of Lori Loughlin's many love interests is best for her .

Hot Men: Well stocked. Mountie Jack is the main eye candy but there is a pretty steady parade throughout. It might warrant its own post later, but for now we'll leave you with this.