Unleashing Mr. Darcy

Clara: [Looking at list of available Hallmark movies on the library website] Ok so this one appears to be like Pride and Prejudice...but with dogs.

Olivia: ....with dogs? Like with dogs as the characters?

#WishboneDidItFirst

Clara: Haha no. Like Elizabeth and Darcy both love dogs and they meet at a dog show.

Olivia: Ohhhhhh...Not sure if that is better or worse.

Yes, in the grand tradition of Pride and Prejudice with Mormons and Pride and Prejudice with zombies, it's Pride and Prejudice with dogs! Mr. Darcy is a dog show judge, and Elizabeth is someone who shows dogs at dog shows!

Ok, so dogs aside, this had the seeds of a not terrible idea. I actually like the Mormon Pride and Prejudice so I have no problem with a contemporary, silly version of P&P.  One clever piece of the premise is that Elizabeth's mother owns a bridal salon which then made it totally reasonable that she was intensely interested in her daughters' marital prospects. It also explained how Jane and Elizabeth were able to get fancy (but kind of bridesmaidy) gowns on short notice for an event at the end.

Elizabeth is played by Cindy Busby who we know as mean but sometimes good but still pretty mean lawyer Rebecca Jennings on Cedar Cove (there will definitely be a Cedar Cove post at some point). She also had a brief arc on When Calls the Heart as a woman who was really angry at a guy in town because he "killed" her sister (he was a doctor and she died during a risky surgery). So as Elizabeth Bennet she is...really mean and angry. It is a weird energy to bring to the story, because it makes Darcy sympathetic from the beginning. He is abrupt and cold to her AS A JUDGE at ONE dog show and she is vicious to him at every opportunity from then on.

HOW DARE YOU BE FORMAL DURING JUDGING

Look, this is the era of Trump and #TimesUp so I want to applaud women for refusing to take sh*t from men. But her dislike of Darcy seems totally out of proportion.  There is no Wickham subplot in this movie, so there isn't anything terrible she thinks he has done. He is a little stiff and formal, but he almost immediately tries to be friendly, welcoming, and encouraging to Elizabeth. But for 90% of the movie she is just like WE ARE SWORN ENEMIES HE HATES ME AND I HATE HIM EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE I WILL BURN IT ALL DOWN.

This is her "secretly in love" face

This movie had some charming moments and parts where they literally just hang out with some adorable puppies, but the whole effect is wrecked by Elizabeth being dialed up to 11 the whole time and you just want to shake her and be like CHILL OUT.

I REFUSE TO BE CHILL

Also, the movie's portrayal of regional dog shows was pretty ridiculous. For one, while all the other handlers stood with their dogs in the ring during the whole judging process, Elizabeth would be sitting in the audience and only enter the ring when her name was called and then go sit down again (so she could have drama with the Lady Catherine character or just complain about Darcy to her friends). Second, when it becomes clear that something is going on between these two, a question arises about Darcy being impartial as a judge. Both are adamant that nothing is going on and there is no conflict of interest. But then in the final scene they literally make out in the middle of the ring during a competition and instead of being like WTF the other contestants applaud.

Cheese rating: One out of five wedges of cheese. Puppy time aside, not very cheesy.

Wine rating: Two glasses of wine. Some residual spice from being based on a Jane Austen classic (or "Austin" as spelled on the back of the DVD) but nothing earthshaking.

Hot men: Unquestionably the actor playing Darcy has very nice face parts but Elizabeth comes on so strong that he ends up being kind of unmemorable.

When Calls the Heart

We are going to start with When Calls the Heart because it was basically our gateway drug into this world of gentle watches.

We were drawn to it initially because:

1. Period piece
2. Plucky heroine
3. Hot Mountie - featured prominently in the Netflix promo screen
4. Low-stakes conflict that will be solved by the end of the hour
5. Easy to watch while also having a full conversation

A quick overview of the premise: Elizabeth Thatcher is a young socialite who leaves the big city to teach in the tiny frontier town of Coal Valley. Roughly six months before Elizabeth arrives, there was a terrible accident at the mine and 46 men from the town died, including Lori Loughlin's husband and son. It is a pretty dark beginning, and season one does deal (albeit superficially) with grief and PTSD and how a community moves forward after a tragedy. But as the show goes on, this disaster seems to be basically forgotten and everything is much more cheerful.  Mostly, it's a romantic story about finding yourself, learning heartfelt lessons and falling in love with ruggedly handsome men (Mounties, pastors, logging company owners, to name just a few).

Also inherent to the enjoyability of a gentle watch is how ridiculous or implausible some aspect of the story is. Fortunately ridiculousness abounds.

1. In season one, each episode focused on a different child going through the grief of losing their father in the mining accident. After that child was fixed, and learned to move on or love their mother or laugh again, we literally never see that child again.

2. In season one the town was drab, people wore brown, and miners actually came home with faces full of soot. By season two, the town is repainted in Disneyland colors, everyone suddenly has crisp new clothing, and looks clean and well rested. Nobody looks like they work in a mine anymore.

3. As part of the season two refresh, the costumes become atrociously hilarious. Check out Clara's old blog post about it here: http://thingsivacuumed.blogspot.com/2015/08/costume-meltdown.html

4. After some initial struggles, Elizabeth wins the children over with cheer and sincerity. After that they all sit quietly and hang on her every word. Take it from a teacher, that's literally never happened in a classroom in the history of the world.

5. Elizabeth is also basically teaching a freeform montessori education program. This is a frontier town when most kids would only be getting the "reading, writing, arithmetic" basics, yet Elizabeth is assigning environmental biology, essays about feelings, and endless art projects. All of the boys in this class would be going to work at the mine by the time they're 14, their parents would see learning the life cycle of a beetle to be a complete waste of time (which, let's be honest, that still sounds like a waste of time).

More spelling, less vision board making

6. Jack and Elizabeth have been "courting" for more than three seasons  - she would be straight-up considered a witch and a whore for the amount of time they spend alone together. In season four, it seems that Jack has dinner at Elizabeth's house every night, just the two of them. While obviously, in our modern times, this is fine and let's not slut-shame anyone here, but in 1910? It would be SO scandalous that the local school teacher and the town Mountie were basically living together unmarried. 

INAPPROPRIATE PUBLIC BEHAVIOR!!!

7. BROOKE SHIELDS?!?!

But enough about all that. Let's get to the good stuff. What is our rating and how hot are the men?

The Cheese Rating: It is definitely five out of five wedges of cheese.

[A real conversation that happened]

Olivia: This is so stupid.

Clara: ...are you...crying?

Olivia: ...no... *sniffs*

The Wine Rating: After much debate, When Calls the Heart get four out of five wine glasses. Despite our protestations, and the above list of ridiculousness, we're actually pretty emotionally invested in this show. We ship Elizabeth and Jack pretty hard and we have have very strong opinions about which of Lori Loughlin's many love interests is best for her .

Hot Men: Well stocked. Mountie Jack is the main eye candy but there is a pretty steady parade throughout. It might warrant its own post later, but for now we'll leave you with this.